Stories You’ll Only tell when you’re taking care of autistic kids

• Every time Lawrence eats fries, he divides them into sets of four. When I eat with him, I wait until he’s had four sets of four fries before I steal one off his plate. Yesterday I miscounted and only waited until 3 sets were eaten. Before I knew that was happening, Larry had stuck is finger in my mouth and pulled the partially chewed fry out, adding it back to his plate. Oops.
• Lawrence has a DVD player which sits on the counter while he eats meals. He pops DVDs in and out, watching the coming attractions until he finds the one he wanted. Saturday, with no warning, it broke. We went to Walmart to get a new one and brought it home and set it up. It worked better than the old DVD player, and we thought Larry would love it. But he kept taking the DVDs we put into them out and putting them into the unplugged broken one and imploring us to fix it. Eventually we took the old DVD player out of his sight and placed it above the hamper. For the rest of the day he would periodically lead me into the laundry room and scream until I took down the DVD player and we repeated these shenanigans again.
• Josh’s Dad had just finished changing a very poopy diaper and run off to get Josh into a new one before he got outside. I was trying to distract Larry because we hadn’t bought the new DVD player yet. He and I were spinning around getting outselves dizzy when I fell. He sat down upon my chest and put his fingers on either side of my cheeks, pushing in until he found the cheekbones. Then he held them while he leaned in and deposited his still fry-filled tongue into my mouth, offering me fries baby bird style. Uh, thanks bud, I guess. When we stood up, I realized I had fallen directly onto Josh’s diaper. My shirt back was covered in his poop. Pleasant to clean off, let me tell you.

On a positive note, I got Larry to sing-along to “I’ve got a new way to walk” off the sesame album. I had been singing it with every activity we did that aftertoon, and finally, as I was singing it to him as I put on his PJ’s, I paused after, “I’ve got a new way to walk,” and he filled in, “wah, wah,” (walk, walk) ! That was worthy of several extra tickles and squishes, let me tell you.

Discussing the Horizontal Bop with your ASD child: Part 2

Anatomy

Anatomy, particularly private anatomy can be a very difficult topic for the ASD child. Many of us are visual thinkers for whom “a picture beats a thousand words.” But most parents are not comfortable showing their children pictures of sexual organs, particularly those for the opposite sex.

But by avoiding that, you get conversations like these: (4th grade)

• Cale: Hey Ma?
• Mom: yes, dear?
• Cale: Ma, how come the boy’s restroom at school has a urinal but the girl’s don’t?
• Mom: Because girls can’t pee standing up. They sit down.
• Cale: Maybe they should practice. I can pee standing up.
• Mom: Yes, but you have a different way of peeing then girls do.
• Cale: Oh. Well I can teach them my way, and then maybe they’ll get it.
• Mom: I wouldn’t recommend that dear.

I first knew there was a difference between boys and girls around 4 or so. It was then that I learned that boys could walk around without a T-shirt on but girl’s couldn’t (unless they were whores, added a streetwise friend). We didn’t know what whores were, but we assumed they were women who didn’t wear shirts outside. I asked my mom if that would make whores more comfortable especially on hot days, and if so why all women weren’t whores. She told me I’d have to wait until I was older for that answer.

So late education can be bad. But too early education can be problematic as well. When I was young, my mom used to babysit a neighbor named Jenny. When Jenny was 3, and playing barbies with my mom, she abruptly said,

•  ”Let’s have Barbie and Ken have sex!”
• Mom: You don’t know what sex is.
• Jenny: Yes, it’s when a mommy and daddy get naked and daddy lays on top of mommy. When they’re done, Mommy has a baby.
• Mom: Oh. Well we don’t play that game here. How about we play horse show instead…

So when should you say something, and what should you say?

I think this very much varies based on the child and what he’s ready for. But at the bare minimum, I think:

• By age 4 a child should be aware of the difference between a “good touch” and “bad touch” even if they don’t understand what it is that makes a “bad touch” bad, beside the fact that it’s private.
• By 6, a child should have a general awareness that boys and girls differ beneath their clothes, and that boys will grow up to be men and girls to be women. (This was a concept I did not comprehend for many many years). They should also be aware that clothing is not to be removed in public, nor the places usually covered by clothes exposed.
• By 9, a child should be familiar with their anatomy. Boys should be prepped on the concept of an erection, that it isn’t bad or a sign of illness, and that it should not be announced to others. Girls should be made aware of the idea that they will begin to menstruate at some point, know what to do if they begin to menstruate at school, and know that this is also private information.
• By 11, a child should know the fundamentals of anatomy for both sexes. Boys should be educated about not giving “bad touches” to girls or women, even though they may really want to. If your child has discovered masturbation, now would be a good time to discuss your house’s rules about it (done in privacy of room, done in shower, not done at all). If not, the child should be educated about it by 13 as it is the basis of many teen boys’ conversations.
• By 13, a teen should have a full understanding of sex, both traditional and oral. Again, this is a useful time to throw in the opinions of your household on the matter (none until marraige, none without a ring, no one-nighters, etc.) Now is also a goood time to introduce the condom. If your religion allows, buy a box and allow your child to see and feel a condom, and to practice placing one on a vegetable and tying a love knot. A saying such as “it’s a raincoat for your penis” might be an effective explanation for an NT, but will most likley bring about a great deal of confusion in your ASD child. Try to avoid metaphors whenever bluntness is a possibility.
• By 15/16, boys should be aware girls menstruate. My brother is still unaware of this fact. Over break he got off of the phone with a friend, “Mom, Amy can’t go out because it’s “that time of the month.” What time? We went out last month on the 17th.” This isn’t particularly acceptable at 24.

Throughout the learning experience, emphasizing the privacy of these functions and characteristics is key, particularly when it comes to topics such as menstruation, erections, and masturbation.

How did you teach your child about sexual anatomy? Would you suggest different guidelines?

Discussing the Horizontal Bop with your ASD Child: Part 1

Educating an NT child about sex can be a daunting task. But when your child has an ASD, and thus misses the social clues he should have learned from peers and does not have the filter to tell him which questions are appropriate and which aren’t, the experience can be downright terrifying. But to avoid the process in current society is to risk your child being the subject of bullying, isolation, and possibly even sexual abuse. Protecting your child from these postential abuses makes even the most awkward conversations worthwhile.

I thought I’d devote a series of posts to educating the ASD individual about sex and related topics. Today I’ll talk a bit about my experience with the topic, which was poor, and not a model to follow.

I started asking where babies came from around 4-5, and was met with the answer, God gives daddy the ability to put babies into mommy’s tummy. This basically satisfied me, and was much more useful than a stork story. So there’s a thumb up to my parents.

Then I reach 5th grade where I learn that “sex” is the mechanism by which a financially stable male impregnates a financially stable female. This made sense. Sort of. I asked my mom if women wore their shirts during sex so men would not have to see the women’s boobs, as this would be quite gross. Her mouth just sort of dropped and we moved on.

Sixth grade: My introduction to AIDS, which was awful. We were told that AIDS was spread through sex and IV drugs, but not by casual contact. But then we did this exercise designed to teach us how fast AIDS was transmitted where we had to walk around and shake people’s hands. If you shook the hand of someone who had touched someone with AIDS, you got AIDS. Good demo of time, but terrible demo of information. Became afraid I could contract AIDS by merely touching a person, and tried to avoid physical contact at all times.

Around 6th grade, I was also introduced to the concept of homosexuality. It was explained thusly: You know how most men like to go on dates with and kiss women? Some men like to kiss other men. This made perfect sense to me because men had cool mustache hairs while women had disgusting lipstick which was, still is, and probably always will be, a sensory nightmare in my book. But telling everyone you’re gay in sixth grade is not the best idea, especially when you have no idea what it really means.

Seventh grade dawns. I hear about abortion for the first time. Totally confused by the idea. If sex is had to make babies, and some people abort the fetuses, why did they have sex in the first place? People assume I have the IQ of a tadpole.

Also then, I watch an episode of ER with a gay couple with AIDS, which was contracted through sexual contact. I’m confused. How was their contact between the men? Why were they both having sex with a woman at the same time when only one could get her pregnant? I was so lost, and my mom told me that there wasn’t a woman involved and left it at that. I knew I had to be missing an important piece of this puzzle.

8th grade: Talking to a female friend who had sex for the first time. Her description, “He had a big O, but I didn’t, so it was far better for him then me.” My response: “Why didn’t you ask him to share the Big O? I’m not sure what it is, but it sounds like a fairer way to deal with the matter.” She laughs and explains the meaning of the word. My world is revolutionized. “Wait, you mean people actually enjoy having sex? People have sex when they don’t want babies? Does that mean my parents have had sex at some point since having me? Ewww!” The whole gay thing got cleared up for me at that point too. Of course, one question still lingered: Why do they make condoms flavored? This question was answered by a visibly disturbed health teacher during sex ed. and threw me off even further. I swore off sex forever.

Of course, I wasn’t the least educated of my ASD peers. In 11th grade, a female AS friend of mine was confused upon recieving a test back where the answer “False” to “You can get AIDS from oral sex.” was marked incorrectly. Her question, in front of a class of 20 students, “Wait, how can you get AIDS from just talking about having sex?” which was basically a way to announce herself as an easy target for sexual assault.

Now that you know what doesn’t work for sex ed., stay tuned for tomorrow’s update with what might work better.

Spilling Secrets

Monday nights I’m now helping at a social group for autistic elementary school students (and some of their NT siblings). I’ve been paired up with Peter, who is seven, full of energy, and loooves to talk (making up perhaps for his four nonverbal years ).

Monday night the boys all made marshmallow people and used these as a starting point to talk about their families. When I asked Peter about his creation, he told me,

“That’s me, sitting on the couch, wishing I was playing the Wii. And that’s my mom going, “Don’t pick up the cat. Blah blah blah. Don’t pick up the cat. And over here is my dad. He’s saying, “Pass me the remote. I’m too lazy to reach it. Peter pick up the remote next to me and hand it to me.”

When I asked him why he had covered his dad in blue frosting, he responded,

“He likes to work on the car. But he doesn’t like to shower. So he’s always smelly and greasy too.”

All of us aides were cracking up. Never gonna let Peter participate in a bank robbery, that’s for sure.

Insightful Identification

I’ve written about this one previously, but it got published during a week where I had no stats, so I imagine very few people had read it.

I was playing catch with four of the 3^rd graders, when one of the kids announced that he was going to be Mario, and his friend on the left would be Luigi. Then the other verbal kid announced he was Yoshi, and the kid next to him was Bowser. Then the first kid announced, “We’re the fire-punch five”. I pointed out to him that there were only four of them playing, and he said, “Lee (a nonverbal kid who seemed oblivious to anything around him) can’t catch good so he’s not playing with the ball. But he’s still a member cuz he’s the mascot!”

Oh, the mascot! Silly me, how could I forget?