Special Siblings and the “Savior Syndrome”

It’s late afternoon and I’m in middle school. I’m camped out outside the school, a few yards over from the smokers, with a girl who will serve as my confidant for the next few weeks. She is the first person to whom I let the bottle cap burst, the first person who ever gets to hear the stories of my father’s alcoholism and drug abuse, of my brother’s disabilities, of my mom’s inability to hold it all together. She’s the first friend I cry in front of, the first to ever know that my life isn’t as wonderful as I try to make it appear. She listens to my stories with a knowing look in her eyes, nodding at all the right places, and releasing those sympathetic sounds I still haven’t quite learned to imitate. And then she says, “Cale, you know what your problem is? You have Savior Syndrome.”

For kids who grow up with an older sibling with special needs, “Savior Syndrome” is something we are infinitely familiar with. It’s also seen in kids who come from homes where drug abuse or alcoholism is a problem in either the parents or an older sibling.

Savior Syndrome is the notion that you have a responsibility to be absolutely perfect, to be the ideal glue that will hold your family together. It’s the idea that your parents are so busy attending to the “important issue” whether a disability or addiction, that you need to ensure they have no cause to worry about you. It necessitates straight A’s, a talent your parents can boast about, and plastered grinning smile. Having Savior Syndrome means never lashing out against your parents or sibling, never trying drugs or alcohol, never getting in trouble in school. If you slip up, the facade cracks, and the world can see the dysfunction that characterizes your family.

Savior Syndrome carries with it a great deal of stress, and a ton of self-blame. If there’s a fight in your family, you try to figure out how you messed up, even if there isn’t a remote connection between your actions and the argument. If you ever do miss up (get a B on an exam, be held for detention, talk back to your parents), there is the crashing weight of knowing you failed, and you did exactly what you shouldn’t have: you made your parents more stressed then they already were.

Savior Syndrome cannot last forever. Eventually, the fantasy is stripped away, and the truth is laid bare. There tends to be one of four results, and they usually occur during middle/high school:

1)Mental Illness, most likely depression or anxiety. All the stress of all those years builds and builds until it has nowhere to go but out. Self-injury is highly likely.

2) Suicide: You failed. You had one life’s purpose: to save your family and you just couldn’t do it. Why bother going on?

3) Alcoholism/Drug Abuse: You’re stressed. Life is just to hard to cope with on your own. You could use a little bit of help, and if Jack can get you through the night, who is anyone else to criticize. But you soon need more and more to get you through the day, and you become one of the addicted.

4) Delinquent Behavior: You spent your childhood being perfect. Never demanding extra attention, never giving anyone cause for alarm. And it didn’t work. It left you drained and your family was just as problematic as ever. Now you’ve spent enough time trying to be wonderful, it’s your turn to have some fun. That is, until you get caught and wind yourself up in juvie court.

The devastating effects of Savior Syndrome can be overcome, but the mindset will remain long after the symptoms of rebellion have passed. You’ll still suppress all the emotions you want to let out but know you shouldn’t. You’ll still think, “I need to be the responsible sibling; I need to be the one who gets it right.” Even knowing you can’t be your family’s salvation, you know you still have to try.

I think Savior Syndrome can’t be truly prevented; it’s a burden we bring upon ourselves. But the effects can be mitigated. Some things which might reduce the effect on your child: -

• Remind them they don’t need to be perfect, that you’ll love them just as much if they get straight B’s on their report card as Straight A’s.
• Let them know they can tell you when they are feeling frustrated or overwhelmed without having to fear backlash or punishment.
• Talk to them about their feeling that they need to be “the good son”. Let them know that you’re not putting that sort of pressure on them, and they shouldn’t put that sort of pressure on themselves.
• Watch for warning signs that your child is feeling overwhelmed. Remember that they have become experts at the art of suppression, and the signs will be subtle. If necessary, find a professional (counselor, therapist, psychologist, reverend) who your child can talk to in times of trouble.

Savior Syndrome comes with the territory of being a sibling of a child with special needs. But it doesn’t need to define your child, and it doesn’t need to destroy their lives. But as parents, it is your responsibility to intervene before it’s too late.