Frightening Friendships: Abuse doesn’t only occur when dating

Here’s another atypical Friendship Friday post, but I thought it was important to bring up before break.
As autistic individuals, we have a greater probability of falling into abusive relationships, not just romantic, but also friendship-based. With an inadequate ability to read social clues, and a sometimes desperateness for friends, we are the perfect targets for abusive friendships.
Here are some sings your child might be the target of an abusive friendship:

• Multiple calls a day by the friend, with no outgoing calls by your child. My friend Kelly used to call every half an hour once we left school until Midnight. What are you doing? Who are you with? But she would become enraged if I called her, insisting I was violating her private time.

• Your child stops hanging out with all other friends, or instructs you to lie about their whereabouts when the friend calls. Kelly would become severely perturbed at the thought that I was hanging out with other people. She would insist on being brought along, and then dominate the conversation. I would plead my mother to tell her I was at an aunt or uncles or a school function so that Kelly wouldn’t know I was really with other friends.

• Your child’s wallet is emptying faster than usual, but he doesn’t seem to have anything new. Kelly used to borrow small amounts, a dollar here or there, so I never really noticed how much I was handing over. But it happened so often (multiple times a week), that I was forfeiting a substantial part of my allowance to her.

• Your child becomes more self-conscious then usual, piling on layers of clothes, even while swimming or sleeping. Kelly used to endlessly ridicule my appearance: my hair, my weight, my skin (I have acne and a deep paleness caused by anemia). But she’d do it in such a way that I wouldn’t take it as bullying but as constructive criticism from a friend in the know. “You know everyone was talking about how fat you’ve gotten recently. Maybe you should rein in your diet a bit, huh?” was a common remark. By tenth grade (I met Kelly in 9th), I was wearing oversized long sleeved clothing regardless of season or need. My swim attire had four layers. I was convinced that my body was so disgusting and disfigured that no one should be forced to see it.

• Your child tells you the friendship is over, but within three days is friends again. This happens over and over and over. Kelly used to insist our friendship was over all the time. I’d cry, she’d scream, and then a few days later she’d start talking to me again, and I’d be willing to do anything just to make her happy and make her not abandon me again.

• The friend makes unkind remarks about your child to you or when others are around in a joking context. I was always the butt of Kelly’s jokes. She thought nothing of critiquing me openly in front of family and other friends. It wasn’t a conversation with Kelly unless I was informed more than once that I was unlovable, generally hated, and destined to forever be alone, and that she was my one savior, the one individual who would be there for me because no one else would.

So what should you do if you suspect your child is in an abusive relationship?

• Try to talk to your child about this friendship. See if they have the same concerns you do. But  expect that they’ll be hesitant about stopping the friendship. Often the abuser will tell the child that the child is the only one preventing them from suicide, or that they would hurt/maim themselves if the child ever ended the friendship.

• Expect that it will take time for the friendship to end . I was “friends” with Kelly for 5 years before I finally pulled myself out of it this year, and the only reason I had the courage to do so was that she was 1,000 miles away.

• Talk to your child’s teachers, coaches, or others that see your child in a social context. See if they notice that your child has been behaving oddly, or that there is something “off” about their relationship with this friend.

• Bring up the topic of abusive friendships often, without mentioning that you think your child is involved in one. Let him come to that realization on his own, but make it known that you are informed and willing to talk about it if needed.

What should you be prepared for following the breakup of the friendship?
The road back is long and difficult.

• I’m still excessively anxious about my appearance, wearing clothing that reveals skin (such as forearms or ankles), and especially any sort of physical intimacy.

• I am still notoriously hard to reach by phone. As this friendship declined I started to avoid the phone, making sure to avoid her calls and not be tempted to pick them up. As a result, I often missed phone calls from friends and relatives that I really did want to see.

• Other friendships are going to be difficult, especially at first. Your child’s brain will be so wired for this codependent,  possessive based model of friendship, that it will take time to adjust back to what a normal friendship is supposed to act and look like.

Where can you find more resources about abusive friendships?
-This site is designed for teens who are in suspected abusive relationships.
-This site is designed for the support people (parents, friends, counselors) of those involved in abusive relationships.
-This book is written about abusive friendships in women and teen girls, but seems like it would also equally apply to both sexes. I’ll be sure to add this one to my collection: Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons.